Of Heifers and Huggies
by sheepturnmeon
Summary: What happens when a hybrid-vamp throws a tantrum before the birth of his triplet calves from his hu-cow? Diapers, hu-cows, and... ExB, Rated M, OOC, CRACKFIC.


Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns Twilight. No copyright infringement is intended.

**A/N:** This story was conceived as a request for BellaSophia3530 for her birthday. It is a cross-over from the two stories: **A Child is Born** by _Pennypattz _and **Volturi Dairy** by _Fetish Fanfic_. Those two stories were not intended to be crack-fic, however, this story is. Also, as a request, some vampire-hybridism and other oddities were thrown in. Hope you'll enjoy.

Story banner link can be found on the profile page.

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><p><strong>Of Heifers and Huggies<strong>

The sound of the rooster crowing alerts me to the start of my day. I pry one eye open as the scent of straw and early spring morning fill my nostrils. Slowly, I stretch my naked limbs to one side until my blanket falls off, becoming aware that I'm in the barn and not in the house. And I smile.

My cowpoke will be here any minute.

At least…he better be. Edward promised it would be _my_ turn this week and he doesn't usually go back on his word, but…he's been such a brat lately.

Ever since I started getting close to my due date with the triplets, he's been throwing more and more tantrums, and using his diapers more frequently instead of the toilet. Sometimes I wish he were full vampire and not the hybrid that he is. Full vamps don't need toilets or diapers, for that matter.

But I can't think of such things right now. It's still my week and I am his hu-cow at the moment.

And at the moment, my pregnant bladder is aching for relief.

I move to stand on all fours before choosing a nice fresh spot in the hay. Then, I crouch down and let myself go.

_Ah. Sweet relief._

The large, golden bell on my collar makes a deep tinkling sound as I give my hind quarters a shake at the end, and it makes me happy.

It's getting a bit hard to move around this way, due to the fact that I've gained eighty-three pounds on my tiny little frame, but -

The sound of heavy footsteps just outside the barn brings me out of my musings and I pause on my way back to my blanket. _He's here. My cowpoke is here!_

The barn door opens slowly with a creaking, and…no. No, he didn't.

My cowpoke is wearing a diaper!

_No!_

It's my turn, and he's wearing nothing but a pair of Huggies and his cowboy hat. And he has his silver pacifier in his mouth. God damnit.

I narrow my eyes at him and let out an angry snort as he pulls his paci from his mouth.

My half-vampire cowpoke is pointing to his groin. "Mommy, I made a doody in my pants. Need changey." He pouts his lips and I am livid. Stupid, hybrid vampire! There's no way I'm backing down like I did last month.

I let out a grunt this time and turn so that my back-side is facing him before plopping down on my haunches and sticking my chin into the air. My bell tinkles loudly.

"Mommy…"

Angrily, I stomp my hoof on the ground. _No!_

"Pleeeeease, Mommy?"

"_Mooooooooooo!"_ I roar, finishing with another grunt.

For a few moments I can hear nothing but his incessant, high-pitched whining and foot-stomping as he throws a tantrum behind me. I stay completely rigid, holding myself firm in my spot in the hay.

"Fine," he complains, sounding like a toddler. "I'll go take a chowder! But, I'm not happy about it!"

I whip my head around to glare at him as he stomps away toward the open barn door. When he's out of sight and I can no longer hear his heavy footsteps, I bow my head and let out a weary sigh. How am I going to keep this up when I have three little calves of my own to take care of?

Will we be able to compromise, or will I have to give up being his hu-cow and take care of four children instead of three? Or rather, three babies, and a full-grown toddler.

I'm suddenly exhausted again, so I get up on all fours again and root around in the hay until I find a comfortable spot, then plop down on my side and fold my front legs under my chin. These days I tire out easily and my udders are extra sore and sensitive.

Oh, I hope my cowpoke will milk me soon…

My eyelids close on their own as I daydream about having him brush my hair like he used to. And as the rooster finishes his morning routine, I hope my cowpoke will be back soon.

.

.

.

I'm startled awake as the barn door opens with a bang.

And finally, he's here. Worn jeans, leather chaps and a button-down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to the elbow.

_Hot damn, my vampire cowpoke is here!_

I move to sit up on my haunches as he stalks forward, bucket and hose in hand. _Yes! Finally, yes!_ I know what this means and I'm ecstatic!

When he comes to stand within my reach, I move around him and nuzzle against his leg.

"That's it, pretty girl. Daddy's here to get you cleaned up." He pats his hand gently against my bare ass.

"Moo, mooooooo," I thank him and nuzzle against his groin.

My cowpoke hisses and takes a step back. "Come on now, girl, let's go hose you down.

After my cleaning is complete, he brushes my hair and braids it. I'm appreciative, but I wish he'd just milk me already! My udders are so swollen that they feel like they're about to burst - all three of them.

That's right, I have three. Well, two regular ones and a third that started out as just an extra nipple, but grew to a decent size once he started milking it.

At first I thought it was a curse, but now that I'm carrying three calves inside me, I can't see it as anything else but pure fate!

My cowpoke walks me back to my sleeping area by my leash and collar, and ties my leash to the wall. Then he turns me so that my back is facing him before running his fingers over my dripping pussy. I can feel it gushing down my leg.

"Ah, you're already wet for me. Good girl."

I keep my head forward and sway my ass a bit as I hear him unzip his jeans. But then I hear another sound.

The sound of plastic ripping.

I look back to find Edward has dropped the _diaper_ he was wearing to the dirty floor.

So that's why he wouldn't let me rub up on him!

I narrow my eyes at him, feeling betrayed. Dammit, he promised.

He looks at me sheepishly. "Come on, Bella, I had to! And the diaper is clean, I swear! I took a shower!"

I sigh with resignation. "Mooooooo." Hopefully, he can hear it in my tone. And at least he's not talking baby talk.

The next thing I know, his fingers are in me, stretching and hitting just the right spot. And when he takes his fingers out, I know he's coating his magical cock with my love juices so that he can stick it in my _puckered_ hole.

And I'm ready.

Just as I'd hoped, he's lining himself up with my rosebud and grabbing onto my collar with his left hand. He pushes his fingers back in just before the magic cock enters its second home, and I cry out. "Mooooo-aaaaaagggh!"

He takes it slow at first but quickens his pace when he undoubtedly hears my pulse quicken. He can always tell when I'm about to come, so he takes his fingers away but continues to pound me furiously.

"Moo! Moo! Moooooooooo-aaaaaagh! Moo! Moo!"

"That's a gooooood girl. Take my cock."

"MOOOOOO-OHHHHHHH!"

Two more pumps and I clamp down around him. I'm spent. I can't take anymore. And I'm so lucky that my cowpoke can control his release, because now that I've finished, he can too.

He pulls out after one more pump and sprays his baby gravy all over my back while I squirt my juices all over the hay below me. I hope that he brought the mason jar this time so that we can save his seed for the flan I plan to make for my co-worker's birthday. Everyone at work loves my flan. It's just too bad I can't tell them what the secret ingredient is.

It's okay though. If he forgot the jar, I'll just put it to good use and rub some on my face when were done. Anti-wrinkle cream and all…

But just as I'm ready to take a nap, something happens in my tummy and before I can control it, a thunderous fart escapes me and the watery poo shoots out of my ass and sprays my cowpoke in the chest.

My cheeks redden with flames as I turn to eye him sheepishly, embarrassed tears welling up.

"It's okay, love," he coos to me. "I forgot to clean you out first, so it's my fault."

He hoses us both down before picking up his diaper, pulling his jeans on and going back out of the barn.

I hope he won't ever forget my enema again.

.

.

.

Later, after my cowpoke has taken another shower, he's back in the barn and I am desperate to be milked.

Thankfully, he can tell and he's brought a fresh blanket for us to lie on.

He spreads the blanket out and I slowly hoof over to it and lay down on my side. I usually stand while he milks me, but with these calves inside me and at my robust size, I have to lay down now. Edward takes his place next to me and strips off his clothes. There's no diaper this time. Thank Heavens.

I'd read that it's not good to express the milk before the calves are born, but Edward says that's not entirely true and so I trust him.

He begins kissing down my throat as I moan and moo appreciatively. When he takes the first udder in his mouth, I flinch a bit when he first starts sucking, but then it starts to feel better and so I arch my back toward him, wanting more.

My cowpoke enters me in one fluid motion, biting my udder at the same time. It only hurts for a second, and I know he needs this. It's been weeks since he fed from me - needing both my milk and my blood, and I gladly give him both.

As he slowly moves inside me, my stomach contracts and it makes me wonder if this is it; if it's time to birth my calves. I'm already almost two weeks past my due date.

He's already drained the first udder and is now moving on to the second.

Once again he pounds into me as he takes a bite and starts sucking. I can smell the rusty odor from my blood, but I can't be bothered to care since he's fucking me so thoroughly.

My stomach keeps getting hard, and I'm startled by piercing pain in my back and groin.

"Edward," I gasp, breaking my concentration. "Something's happening." He stops and released my teet with a pop.

"You're not my hu-cow?" He's confused as he asks, and so am I.

"No, no, I am, it's just…I think I'm in labor."

But then, just as I say it, the pain stops. And I'm still horny as hell. My third breast…err…udder is still aching to be milked.

"Do you want to stop, love?"

"Um…no. Never mind. It's gone."

I move my hips against him, telling him to start moving again. My cowpoke puts one hand on my hugely rotund belly as he begins again. He moans as he puts the third, smaller udder in his mouth and puts one finger in my butt before biting down on my aching flesh.

"Mooooo-aaaaagh!"

Surprisingly, I really love it when he puts his finger in my butt and works it while he fucks me. And having him suckle me at the same time is just the cherry on top!

When my udder is empty, he releases it from his mouth and licks the bite wounds, sealing them with his venom. I can smell my blood on his breath as he pants heavily in my face and I break character yet again as I move my head forward to kiss him and thread my fingers into his hair.

Now I can taste my blood in his mouth as my tongue moves against him. His finger is still joyously pumping in and out of my rump, and when he adds a second finger, I'm done for. I clamp down around him and he shoots his baby gravy into me at the same time.

Then the pain starts again.

I push away from Edward and grab my belly, stunned by this all-eclipsing pain.

"Is it happening again, love?"

I only nod, still silenced by the crushing pain. My face twists and contorts from the sensations growing in my belly and below.

Edward pulls out and sits up. "We better get you inside, then. I won't take a chance of you or the _calves_ getting an infection out here in this filth."

"O-okay," I grunt. Wow. That was a long contraction.

He gathers my feeding bucket and his tools before picking me up bridal style and carrying me out of the barn, promising me that if my contractions subside, he'll put my anal-bead tail in later on.

The thought makes me giddy, since I've finally made it to the jumbo-sized beads!

.

.

.

It's been over six hours, and I have yet to have another contraction. Edward has forced me to take a shower and forget the whole hu-cow thing for a bit. He said he'll still put my beads in though if I still want it, as long as I promise to forget the barn until after the calves are born and he has a chance to put down some fresh hay.

I sigh, defeated. I didn't even get to graze in the grass today.

Maybe he's right, though. Maybe I've had enough hu-cow for awhile.

Now that I think of it, I haven't seen Edward in a while. He'd gone to his study about an hour ago to look up some gynecology information, and hadn't come back to the bedroom since.

I get up from our bed and throw on my robe to go look for him, but he he's not in his study and I'm confused. Where the hell did he go?

There's a noise down the hall in the nursery and I make my way there and push the door open.

Edward is sitting on top of the changing table in only his diaper, holding a bottle of powder over his stomach.

"Sweetie…did you go doody in your pants again," I ask him.

He pouts his bottom lip. "Yes, Mommy."

"Can Mommy change your doody diaper?"

Eagerly and frantically he nods, and I smile. His ochre eyes are just twinkling with boyish delight. He drops the bottle of powder to the floor and claps happily as I make my way toward him.

"Okay, buddy. Well, you won't fit on the changing table, so you'll have to lye down on the floor."

Edward smiles and hops off the changing table before sprawling out on the carpet. I hand him his silver pacifier and he giddily pops it into his mouth.

Clean diaper and wipes in hand, I slowly crouch down to the floor and prepare myself. As soon as I open the diaper, I'm taken back by the over-powering stench.

"Hoo! Sweetie, what have you been eating!"

My little guy giggles as I begin to wipe him off. When I've used up the tenth wipe, I notice that he's become hard.

"Mommy…my pee-pee hurts. Could you kiss it?"

He pulls his knees to his chest as I smile and lean down to lick him from balls to shaft and when I move my head down once more and take one of his balls in my mouth, a deep and loud fart erupts from his asshole.

I release him from my mouth and jolt my head back, stunned as the putrid smell hits my face. _Ugh!_

Edward giggles. "Sowwy, Mommy."

Now, how could I be angry with such a cute little angel?

"It's okay, Sweetie."

Whatever will I do with this silly boy?

.

.

.

The sun has just set, and we are in our bedroom on our large bed. As my cowpoke takes me from behind, I close my eyes and imagine that I am back in the barn.

"Moooooooo…" I moan in pleasure as he continues his relentless pace. There's been an ache down below that I can't explain but I don't comment on it.

Just as I am about to hit my peak, my stomach clamps down and there is a gush of fluids down my thighs. I gasp as my cowpoke halts his movements.

"Your water just broke," he tells me and I am slightly startled. He pulls out and rolls my rotund body over until I am lying on my back. He reaches his hand deep inside me, then pulls it back out with a smile. "You're already at three centimeters," he clarifies.

He gets up to get some towels and after soaking up most of my fluids, he crawls back onto the bed and begins to milk me again.

Bite. Suck. Suck.

There is more pain and so I groan and hiss. My cowpoke has put his diaper back on and is rubbing against my leg.

"Mooooooooooo…" I moan.

He releases my teet with a pop and slides his body down until his mouth is at my dripping pussy. I'll be surprised if I don't squirt him in the face!

Minutes or hours go by while he licks me from end to end until there is more pain and less pleasure.

"Edward," I gasp, breaking character.

He reaches his hand inside and tells me, "I can feel the head!"

I start breathing faster and he uses his gloriously long fingers to toy with my swollen flesh, all the while telling me encouraging things. Before I know it, it's time to push.

The first calf comes out with a gushing sound and a shrill cry.

"It's a girl!" Edward exclaims.

"Carlie," I pant.

He wraps my little girl calf in a blanket and hands her to me while I feel another calf ready to make their entrance to the world.

After a few good pushes, the calf is out. "Another girl," he says while wrapping swaddling her bloody body in a blanket.

"Renesmee," I coo as I look at her.

It takes several more pushes to get the last calf out, and when Edward shows it to me, all covered in blood, I want to cry. Happy tears.

It's a boy.

"EJ," I tell him. Edward smiles and wraps the boy calf in the last blanket and hands him to me. Renesmee and Carlie are already suckling at my teets and my arms are full so Edward has to help me to get my third calf situated at my third udder.

"What are we going to do about the mess? There's blood everywhere," I tell him.

"Don't worry, love. I'll take care of it."

And he does. He moves back down below and starts licking all of the blood off my skin and off the sheets. Thank goodness he has a thirst for blood!

After everything is cleaned up, my cowpoke settles down next to me and the calves and after a bit, I can't help but close my eyes. I'm completely exhausted.

"Mommy?"

I open my sleepy eyes and look at Edward who is looking at me through his lashes.

"Mommy, I made poo-poo. A _big_ poo-poo."

Oh dear. I suppose I will be one busy hu-cow mommy.


End file.
